why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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