He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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