Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
