Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
