Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
