shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
