i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
