we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
