Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
