1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
