Please, let me fuck your mom
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
two words...techno handjob
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
