I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
