I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
how does that bad decision feel?
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