FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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