Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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