Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
