weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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