I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
