Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
