toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
