why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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