you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
