hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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