Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
