I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
