The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
