just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
