wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
