Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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