I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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