Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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