One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
