he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
