I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
