It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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