so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
