Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
