I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
