I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
