dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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