Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
