Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
