He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
