An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So much rum. So many feels.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
