you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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