I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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