It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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