1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
