I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
