I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
