there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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