I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
