I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
