Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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