my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
