My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
